Daysleeper

People are so fast at walking in this place. It’s as though the streets are made of fire. Nothing is as it should be but everything exists in a perfect place. The constant noise, the cries for help and the ecstasy of the day are all part of my walk to and from life. I do feel like a day sleeper. I exist at night and that’s where I feel so very alive. The light is sublime but why must I get up early to get a start on the day? This myth that the world only will exist at the peak hours of nine to five is absurd. I have learned a lot in the comfort of night.

I have taken many hands in the night and had meaningful talks. I have had my first kiss, the first puff of a cigarette, my first and not last heartbreak, and so many travels that it has to be magic. When I feel the wind on my face and the breeze from the ocean with only the stars, I am completely at peace. I can look into the darkness and see so much more than I see in the daylight. The daylight is misleading and will only lie to you. Once the shades are closed, that is when the truth is revealed.

I miss my innocence.

The truth is in the eye of the beholder but why must it always be true. Let’s just take a moment to believe a lie. The world will get better. My family will always enjoy great health. I will find a love that will test the sands of time. I will conquer my fears and become a better man for it and live to see my dreams for the world come to fruition.

We always need something more. What is enough? Once you start to ask the Why’s, the how’s and the many questions of existence, that is when you wake up to the hidden truth.

We make out own truth.

Social Outcast

I find it difficult to function in social situations. I feel either overwhelmed or ignored. It's hard to have conversations with strangers who really don't care about your answers. I find that strangers only really listen if they need something or want to have sex with you, or a combination of both. At 21, my social skills were great. I could fake my way through a conversation about Tom, Dick or Jane all the while smiling with interest at the story, even though I had no idea who these people were or why they were part of the story.

At 27, it's a different story. I find that if people are not talking to me, I don't make an effort. Lets be honest, it's rare to meet someone new in San Francisco who can talk about anything other than drugs, sex or their looks. It's always refreshing to meet people who enjoy talking about things of broad topic but it seems so rare that I might as well look for a unicorn. This is not limited to San Francisco as I encounter the same thing in Los Angeles and anywhere I travel. A way of the world? Perhaps.

I think the only thing more frustrating than starting a conversation with someone I don't know is when people don't make formal introductions. I'm old school and if you meet a friend of mine, I try to give something of common interest. It's the polite thing to do when these two people have no real mutual interest other than you. I'm sure that some people think I am a complete a-hole on the first meeting and they might be correct. I'm usually just quiet until I have something I can talk about or someone starts a conversation of which I have a background. This happens all the time to me at work or out in a bar. If I had a dollar for every friend who got mad because I was not jumping into a conversation but never really introduced me, I might be able to buy some nice pants. I could just be a social outcast, it's very likely.

The holidays bring out the best and the worst in people. Why can't people be nice all year long? Why must the positive energy only exist for one day. Let's begin buying presents for loved ones all year long and try to do one positive thing for someone a day. In a city like San Francisco, you see so much that it feels as though I am the luckiest man alive as I don't deal with things nearly as hard as so many but I still look to what I need and realize that it's not material in nature. During the holidays, I seem to meet so many new people and feel overwhelmed with the pressure of it all. Can't I just be quiet? Must we constantly talk to make others feel comfortable? Why can't we just enjoy the silence?

Ramblings

Can you hear my breath pass my lips? Do you hear what I whisper? My fear is leaving now and my heart is pounding below my flesh.



Those questions only answer more riddles so let's move past them. No more fear of love. I can't fear love.




Future so far, so close I feel the heat. I'm dancing to eternity with no doubt at all, only a flicker of light in the darkness. No thought as to how I will get there but I will get there on a rage.


The cages that once were sealed are open with a slight view of the world around. Comfort has come and replaced fear so no tears should be shed. No fear of love.




Closer than a penny to the floor and harder to pick up, you have those signals that I can't describe but I won't fear. Gone alone on a path for so long that you feel it's deserved, but the voodoo doll told me differently.




Heaven and Hell exist and can all be found right here on this green spot. Have you seen both because I have and I speak of them kindly? Flesh melts, grass burns, but does the spirit last forever?

The Day the Earth Stood Still

Headed out to see the Day the Earth Stood Still last night with some friends. I had never seen the original movie so I had pretty low expectations. My friends warned me that the movie was getting bad reviews but I decided to just see for myself as I wanted to see this for awhile.
The movie stars Keanu Reeves and I usually like most of his movies. He is not the best actor but he picks movies well that fit his bravado. The basic premise of the movie is simple. An alien named Klatu comes to earth to decide if we should survive or not because he wants to protect Earth. The movie works well as a popcorn movie. The pace is fast and the acting was adequate. The movie features a young kid played by Will Smith's son Jade who irritated me the entire movie. I guess its hard to have a kid in a movie like that and not have the kidd annoying.
Overall, I enjoyed the movie. The ending was a little abrupt (think war of the worlds remake) but I still enjoyed it alot. It's not something that has to be seen in IMAX as the visuals were nothing too spectacular so a viewing in a regular setting would be good as well.

Emo Gas Tank

Everyone has an emotional gas tank inside them. Inside most of us, our tanks are filled with anger, sadness, fear, or negative emotions. These emotions can build up over time. It's easy for these negative views to interfere with the good vibes in our tanks.

Anger is so easy to spot yet so unpredictable. Anger is like a bad pipe. It can start out like a small leak but build up and accumulate until it explodes all over the floor. It's usually exploding on someone who wasn't aware there was a problem or knew there was some piping issues and ignored it. Either way, you are soaked in your own water.



Patterns begin when we are toddlers. We learn how to eat, to read, and how to pick up bad habits. Once burned, it's easy to become those people that you think are so sad and so bitter. You see them all the time, on the bus or on the freeways of America. Anger is a pattern that just grows over time and can become so vicious that you can't even realize the source of your anger, an emotional time bomb.



There is a solution to this problem. It's so simple yet so hard to remember in the bad times, forgiveness. We should not regret what we said, but regret what we didn't say when we had the chance. Mistakes are a part of life and you can't cut everyone out who makes mistakes.



I think forgiveness is a learned technique. I can't recall how many times I have said that I would never forgive someone for breaking my heart or not saying the words I needed to hear. It's a learned process, forgiving, and its quite hard to do.



I like to think that I have to take my emotional gas tank and just dump all the junk out, let it go. Try and fill it with the good stuff that I need like patience and joy. As I get older, it's becoming more important. There is just not enough time in this life to hold on to anger and sadness.



There is no easy process to get rid of anger. Everything goes away. It's a constant in life. It's impossible to trust the material stuff as it all fades away and we are left with the memories. I guess you have to unstuck yourself from those feelings, those memories. It's impossible to expect people to be perfect as it's just unattainable.



When I get angry, I get sore. I literally feel it in my body. It's not good for your head or your body. I have read studies that indicate that anger can have really strong effects on your body and I think it's true. When I was reading all these stories on Proposition 8 and I could see all the anger and hatred, it made me angry. I was playing right into the gimmick. They had me where they wanted, I was pissed. I was in the Castro on Friday night when the Yes on 8 people flanked the streets and tried to convince people of their way and I just felt angry. I thought the No people took it too far as they are entitled to free speech but I couldn't help but be angry with the lack of consideration of love they were showing for their fellow man. It was disturbing and just made me mad.


I had to let it go. I had to remind myself that I cannot change the world around me until I change my viewpoint on things. I have to address these issues internally and learn to address these things with people in a way where it's not coming from anger, but from education.


It's hard to let it go. I have had several friends today telling me stories of betrayal and anger and I too feel it today. I'm just learning to deal with things differently to get different results. I don't have to approve of the actions that cause my anger but my forgiveness works for me, it's my strength. It's the one thing that allows me to be free. It makes me feel like I am in control of how I feel, not others. I am only hurting myself by being angry and that's just, well, fucked up.



This probably seems like a really long entry about forgiveness but I don't think it's really that long considering how much time I have to spend forgiving. I have to forgive coworkers, friends, family, myself and sometimes God for not understanding why things happen. At the end of the day, I am making a deal with myself. 1) Not to take things too personally. 2) Quit blaming others and dwelling on it. I have decided that these are two actions that I can control and so I won't play into it. I know what's right and wrong and I know what I feel. Fuck anyone who tries to tell me how I feel. That's my job. I'm just going to enjoy life and not worry about the small stuff, join me or get off my road.

Forgive my truth

All I want is for you to love me. It's so easy and so hard.


I see your eyes wander and it makes me feel gloomy, when all I want is for you to see me. That's all I need. The human condition of lust is potent but I see that its just skin. Nine months is 8 months and a week longer than any other relationship, its scary and real.


I need to feel I am the one and only, the kind of man that you adore only. That's all I need.


Your friends always surround you. I see you dated one or two. Am I the one for you? Their jealousy seeps out into my skin and I feel it crawling so I then crawl in bed with you.


I need to feel that I am special, that you love me like no one else. I don't want to see you look at other guys. That's all I need. I'm your man.


Don't break my heart you see, I would bleed and bleed. Please just love me and ignore me being needy.


This is my first time on the field and I feel like a spinning wheel. Give me all your love. I know it's selfish, I need a lot. It's not easy to pinpoint the spot when I fell for you. I just want my love story. I want to know that you are the one for me and we will be happy and live so free. Life is not easy and neither is love but I feel it could be easier with you.


I know I sound crazy and my eyes are hazy from not sleeping after we fought. I just didn't want to think that I was not good enough to make you so happy. I can't live with the thought that you might not want me. It's hurting to put myself out there for you but I know its what I need to do. This is something you will never hear me say so I write it here in hopes that I will say it soon.

Jealous and stuff

Self esteem is a nasty bitch. That’s the preface to my rant. I assume that jealousy stems from low self esteem. I guess, sometimes it seems that things are too good to be true. If you are dating someone who seems so great, can it be real? I’m perplexed and worried that my craziness will scare someone away. I just think we all worry about being hurt, some more than others. The part that I can’t handle is the not knowing. I guess its easier if you are married but it doesn’t change anything. I just wish that I could control all situations but it’s impossible. I can only control the things I can control. I have to let go of this fear to be hurt. I do fear being hurt. The idea of opening up and loving someone scares me because I worry they will leave me alone.
I guess it’s weird when someone only has hot friends. You know, I have friends of all kinds. Most of my friends are just cool and I have a limited group that I call friends. I guess you have to trust the person you are with but it’s hard when everyone hits on him all the time. I guess you just have to say to yourself, self, fuck it. There is nothing I can do.
I normally don’t care if someone likes me. I’m in a rare situation where I like someone and I worry that it will go wrong. What is love? I don’t know. I hope to one day have that taste on my tongue but for now, I am waiting.

Some ramblings from a coffee depleted man

Life changes so should feelings. It’s natural for a viewpoint to shift after some years. You can find someone so interesting and lovable but realize that those feelings were misguided. It’s an interesting development to realize that what you knew of love was nothing if not immature. To embrace love for the first time is life changing and so important. I think the transition from love to friendship is as easy as realizing that you have found something good. It takes embracing something magic to realize you never had it before. The true test to any relationship is how to survive it and if so, love it. Love the broken and fragile. The fragile is the sweetest part.
Broken bones heal but broken hearts always stay wounded. The fortunate souls who realize they are better off without the constant misery. I find it interesting to see the object of desire become human. We often see those we care for as more than human, they become the unattainable, the forbidden fruit. When those people fall, it’s hard not to smile at your loss. You might not have won the battle but the war seems to be in your own hands. It’s a very destructive viewpoint but an honest view that most people will never admit to feeling. It’s natural to take some sort of pleasure in seeing those that have hurt you and broken you, come undone. We should rejoice because we all feel pain and that’s what makes us so human. There is not pain without pleasure and in the pain, we find some semblance of who we are.

I do believe the wars of the heart are the hardest battles to face. To change the world, you must change your heart. Learn to look past the ease of seeking revenge or bitterness. I feel you have to deal with the backyard before you expect to take care of the neighborhood. It’s not selfish to work out your heart and make sure that you are putting your emotional and spiritual needs first. In this manner, you can find yourself.

McCain, Friend to Veterans?

If you have been following the election, you no doubt have seen Mr. McCain proclaim his love for the troops. It's almost sincere at times and you might believe that he really feels for our troops and veterans. In fact, in this week’s debate in Nashville, he walked over and shook the hand of one of the Vet's in the audience.
The truth is that McCain has never worked progressively for Veterans rights. If you go to the website, http://www.veteranreportcard.org/ and search McCain, you will see where he stands.
Our possible future President scored a D. Yes, a D on the report card. It seems that Mr. McCain only voted for Veteran's rights three times. He was a no show on 6 different votes below:
New GI Bill (2nd vote) 06/26/2008 Not Voting
New GI Bill (3rd vote) 06/26/2008 Not Voting
A New GI Bill (1st vote) 05/22/2008 Not Voting
Stopping a Second Rate GI Bill 05/14/2008 Not Voting
Enhanced Veterans' Benefits 04/24/2008 Not Voting
Expanded Veterans' Benefits 10/01/2007 Not Voting

McCain only voted on three issues in 2007 and none in 2008.

Veterans' Health Care, 2008 09/06/2007 Voted
Funding for MRAPS 03/29/2007 Voted
Veterans' Health Care, 2007 02/14/2007 Voted

Why would someone who claims to be such a friend to soldiers, not show? Let me put it in perspective for you. Senator Ted Kennedy was in a coma for most of the Report Card but yet still managed to have more Votes in favor of Veterans rights, 6 to McCain's 3. On a side note, Senator Obama scored a B on the report card with no major military background. Interesting?

The major point of this blog is to shine the light on the fact that McCain is a hypocrite in the worst way. He does not support Veterans and never made an actual attempt to support the G.I. Bill that was passed recently for our Vet's. It comes down to this reason. McCain is rich and does not need to worry himself with those things. He is selfish and only thinks of himself. How can he lead this country when he puts our Vet's on the backseat? It's not the only important issue but I do think it shows his hypocrisy.

After writing this blog, I decided to check youtube for the video of McCain shaking the hand of the Vet but instead found this video which speaks volume.

Darkness

The darkness is my friend. It surrounds me like a blanket. I have always found the darkness to be more comforting than the light. In the darkness, I feel safe and alive. I prefer the dimness to the brightness. I live for those moments of silence in the dark with just a slight ray of light coming into focus. There is a moment when the eyes adjust to the darkness and it’s like I have new eyes. I see things much more clearly. The focus comes into play and I see things I had not noticed before. My problem is not overcoming the darkness but overcoming the light. I don’t enjoy the light. It’s hard for me to function as most would want me to function. Asserting my smile when it’s neither easy nor safe seems to be a constant. I sometimes feel like a stranger to others but I know myself well.
My eyes drift from left to right and I see new things I never noticed. My hand is in the air and moves through the vast darkness and it feels as though I have peace. Peace from the noise, the cars, the voices telling me I need to improve and change. The secrets to life elude me but I feel as though I have picked up small clues along the way. My secret is that I won’t reveal them to anyone. Maybe it’s not such a secret.
Alone is the only time I feel free to be me. I question the health benefits of this feeling but it’s been that way for so long. It’s been a long time since I looked for the light. I have lived quite comfortably in the dark and it’s safe. I have seen slivers of light in recent weeks and it’s working its way into my eyes. I feel as though some of my shell is breaking away and I am coming to fruition, a hybrid of who I am and who I want to be. I now see that I have to merge the light and the dark, force those worlds to come together to make a whole. I can’t exist strictly in the dark but must force through to see a brighter hope. It’s a challenge because the darkness calls me so easily.

NIN Conert

Me on the left, my friend on the right
NIN Concert; Oakland, CA

Chemistry

This is an interesting article I came across on Chemistry. Its a good read and pretty short.

DO YOU TWO HAVE CHEMISTRY?
By Amy Spencer
New York City-based writer Amy Spencer has contributed to Glamour, Maxim, New York and Real Simple.

Sweaty palms? Sort of. A pounding heart? A bit. Even so, you're still not completely sure there are sparks between you. Understandable: While it'd be nice to think that the earth moves and the angels sing when you've found The One, sometimes the signals that you two are truly meant for each other are much more subtle than that. Here are seven dead giveaways that singles often miss --

Subtle sign 1: You turn into a total klutz
So far, you've dropped your fork and knocked over your water glass...and that's before the entrées have arrived. While embarrassing, these gaffes are actually a good sign. "When you have serious chemistry, your body produces elevated levels of the neurotransmitter norepinephrine," says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University. This, in turn, can make you jittery, uncoordinated, and a little accident-prone. And if you're embarrassed by your klutziness, that's a good sign, too! Because if you don't care what your date thinks of you, you probably don't think much of your date.

Subtle sign 2: You notice a tiny dent in your date's pinkie nail
Or that your date's hair flips up on the left but under on the right. You've never noticed something like that about a person before, so why now? Because when there's true chemistry, the body's levels of the chemical dopamine rise and lead to "imprinting," a theory of attachment discovered by German ethologist and Nobel Prize winner Niko Tinbergen. This imprinting makes you focus on this one person more clearly and notice the tiniest, most insignificant details about a person -- and their possessions. Says Dr. Fisher, "His car in the parking lot looks different. His backpack looks different. His coat on the coat rack stands out. Everything about him is special, novel, unique."

Subtle sign 3: You agree to split the spinach dip appetizer -- and you don't even like spinach dip!
True chemistry makes us more mellow than usual -- so don't be surprised if you find yourself being agreeable with your date in ways you might not with anyone else: You don't mind walking 10 blocks with your date from your parking spot. You're suddenly up for seeing a Corky Romano movie. And even though you're not a fan of Indian food, what the heck, you'll give it another shot. "When you're falling in love, you more easily surrender your boundaries because of a strong desire to merge with that person," explains Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Keeping the Love You Find.

Subtle sign 4: The room you're in seems brighter than usual
Did someone nudge up the dimmer switch? Perhaps. But it could also mean you're smitten, thanks to a physiological reaction discovered by University of Chicago biopsychologist Eckhard Hess, a pioneer in the area of "pupillometrics." In short, Hess found that when people look at something or someone that causes positive feelings or sparks interest, their pupils dilate in an attempt to take in more of it, also letting in more light as well.

Subtle sign 5: You're more fidgety during the date
If you find yourself tapping your leg or otherwise fidgeting during the date, rest assured: Whether you fully know it or not, you like this person. "These are 'displacement gestures' -- what you do when you're trying to decide what to do with yourself," explains Dr. Fisher. "If someone is smiling at you and you can't decide if you should smile back or look away, you play with your hair. Or you run your tongue along your teeth." This happens because your brain is over-stimulated, leading you to vent the extra energy with a little self-grooming. Some experts even argue that stroking your own arm or leg indicates a subconscious desire to reach out and touch the person you're with.

Subtle sign 6: You keep forgetting there's food on the table
When you're out with someone who doesn't float your boat, boy, do those garlic mashed potatoes taste good. But if you're feeling a chemical attraction to someone, the food being served is the last thing on your mind -- and not just because you're nervous. Blame this on elevated levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which fuels feelings of desire. Higher levels of dopamine, according to Dr. Fisher, "give you a feeling of lightness, increased energy and a feeling of minor ecstasy. And you're definitely not hungry!" So if your date seems disappointed that you only ate four bites of your steak, you can clear it up later by explaining what a five-star sign it really is.

Subtle sign 7: You feel more "familiar" with your date than "lusty"
Sure, most people think it's a good sign when they want to jump over the table and rip their date's clothes off. But let's be honest -- there are plenty of acquaintances you've wanted to do that to, and there was no deeper, underlying chemistry there. A stronger sign is that instead of feeling lust for your date, you're overwhelmed by a feeling of familiarity -- a sense of, "Gosh, I feel like I've known you before." The chemistry at work, says Dr. Hendrix, "is due to the emotional center in your brain's limbic system recognizing qualities in the person that resemble qualities about the caretakers we had during childhood." For example, a man might recognize a feeling of being at ease and nurtured the way his mother made him feel. A woman might feel comfortable with the dry humor of her date, similar to the way her father interacted with her. "This intense familiarity triggers the release of dopamine, which can lead to that 'Wow' feeling," explains Dr. Hendrix. Oh, and by this point, it's also definitely OK to want to jump over the table and rip your date's clothes off!

NIN FEVER!

So the time has finally come. NIN concert tomorrow in Oakland, CA. Im so excited that I cant even think of words to describe my excitement. I have seen NIN so many times but I still get excited like XMAS. Its the live show that really does it for me. Trent is such a genius and captures so many feelings and emotions with his music and lyrics that I can't resist. This is going to be a great show and I cant wait to see it and scream at trent from the front row!

So there was a car salesman

I have been out of the driving world for quite some time now. I'm quite lucky to live in a city that does not require owning a car. The idea of helping the environment and reducing smog is also another reason I have not invested in a car since my last vehicle. I haven't owned a car since I totaled my last vehicle almost a year ago. I haven't really missed driving. On the car trips I have taken, I usually rent a car.

Times have changed. I now find myself in a situation where I will soon need a vehicle. I'm actually quite surprised that I still have a valid license. I am a terrible driver and make no excuse for how horrible I am. I would say that I have my moments but I tend to drive fast and with little concern for others. How my driving mimics my life!

I had been looking on the internet for cars and had taken a fancy to the Toyota brand. It's simple, practical and gets great gas mileage. Although I must admit to wanting to purchase a Mini Cooper and have been rummaging Craigslist for a deal.

I decided to go to a local Toyota dealer over the weekend with no intention to buy but to just browse and get a vibe from the different models. It was early Saturday and I had prepared myself by deciding ahead of time that if I felt pressured, I would leave. The last time I had bought a car, I bought one the same day I had test drove. I didn't want to make the same mistake again.

As I am browsing the cars and trying to avoid setting off any alarms on the cars (past mistake I won't make twice), I notice a large man walking towards me. I immediately assume this man to either be a car salesman or serial killer intent on tying me up, trapping me in the trunk of the car, stealing the car and driving me to some abandoned spot to do horrible acts to me or a combination of both!

He was a salesman and made a very loud entrance with "hi there young man". The guy was only a couple years older than me but I appreciated his attempt at flattery because like on a first date, flattery will get me to do anything.

I had not noticed his appearance due to the sun but once he came closer to me, I was quite alarmed. He looked a little bit like the Rocky character from the 80's movie "Mask" but Cher was nowhere to be found. His head did block the sun and I was very happy to avoid an unwanted sunburn on my face. He did the salesman talk where they act like we were best friends that fooled around at summer camp in our youth but had repressed the memories and had learned to be just friends. He was also a close talker, so close in fact that I distinctly recall him having tuna for lunch.

I explained to big head that I was not looking to purchase today and was merely browsing. I also indicated that I was looking for my sister so he would realize that I was not buying today. I had used the same trick when I had bought my Laptop from Comp USA. They kept trying to get me to upgrade everything and I told the guy that I was buying it for my sister and I just wanted it to be simple for her little brain. There was also a back story about how my sister had been posting Myspace photos of an adult nature. I tend to exaggerate when lying and felt that I was taking it too far and tried to bring it back by explaining that my sister was special. For some reason, a computer for my slow, trashy younger sister with an addiction to myspace seemed a better lie than the fact that I was cheap and didn't want an extended warranty.

Big head and I talked for about five minutes about my accent. I find that anytime people bring up my accent, it's never in a good way. I rarely hear that I have a sexy accent but I do get that I sound southern and I take that to mean that I sound country. A lot of stories I hear will involve George Bush or Designing Women. I always wondered if the black guy on Designing Women had a real accent or if he was faking it like Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias. Although, Julia is from GA so I was really pissed that she put on that fake southern accent for the movie. She was young so I won't hold the accent against her or the fact that she was with Keifer Sutherland. She has suffered enough.

Rocky started telling me about his ex wife who grew up in Texas and had moved to LA to pursue an acting career. I smiled and nodded but I was really thinking about free coffee. The best thing about car hunting is the free coffee. Yeah, its really crappy coffee but its still free and I feel that it's owed to me for coming by. I always have a casual way of getting free coffee. I smiled and said "wow, that coffee smells great!" I had not only hinted that I wanted some coffee but I also got Big head away from the horrible story that I feared was coming about his ex wife. He seemed like one of those guys that would just start crying at a moments notice, talking about the love that could have been with his ex wife. I was hoping her name was Trudy because I rarely hear that name.

Big head escorted me inside, gave me some coffee and took my license. They need your license to let you test drive the cars. I guess they want to prevent lawsuits and stuff but I always hate giving my license because I look a little like Edward James Olmos from Miami Vice.

I decided to test drive the new Scion. It was a nice car and was much nicer on the inside. I am still not convinced that I cant find a mini cooper the way I want it but I figured this could be my back up plan. I didn't like the old model Scion's that looked like Wagons from the 1800's. Really, they looked like you could hitch some horses to the front and they would pull the car. I always expect to see Laura Ingalls Wilder get out of those cars when I see them at Safeway. I never understand the appeal of the older models.

I was worried that Big head would not be able to get in the car but he managed to get in and we were off. I had failed to mention the severity of acne scaring on the man. I only mention this because he was wearing a wedding ring and its moments like that when I realize that miracles do happen in the world.

He told me to drive wherever I wanted but I should stay close. I asked him if I could get on the interstate to test the speed. He seemed to nod but I wasn't sure becasuse I was paying no attention to him. I had already decided to give it a spin and was heading on the ramp once I mentioned it to him. I figure if I am going to buy, I want to know what kind of power it has. It did really well. It picked up speed nicely and had quite a bit of leg room which was a relief. My last car tended to make me feel claustrophobic so I was happy that my testicles had some room to run free. I should clarify that I still had my pants on during the test drive.

I had not anticipated the awkwardness of the ride. It had been awkward in person but we had room to walk and I had coffee. I realized why car shopping was geared to married couples because couples can talk and ignore the salesman. We were now in a confined spot on the interstate and I was trying to keep conversation light. I had mentioned gay pride in the city was that weekend and I assumed it was like Christmas for gay folk, I had only mentioned this to him because it seems everyone in the bay area is part of PFLAG or something. I had not been to a San Francisco Pride event. I have so much gay pride that I don't think the city could handle all of it. I could have so much Pride that Gavin Newsom would have to call for a state of emergency in San Francisco.

After I mention Gay Pride, Rocky gets all weird. You would have thought I had just sodomized the man. He then tells a joke but i should preface the joke. I think its ok for gay people to make gay jokes. I don't really mind when str8 people make gay jokes. I am rarely offended and usually think they are pretty damn funny. I am old school gay and I am completely filthy. However, the joke was a little disturbing to me and I was essentially a stranger so I thought it was odd. Here is the joke as I can recall:



Big head: Why did the fag get fired from the sperm bank?



Me: Uh, Uh..uhm…huh..well…what?




Big head: They caught him drinking on the job.



I was so offended. Not because he used the word "fag" but because he perpetuated the stereotype that all gay men like to swallow. I just don't think its right to put that out there for everyone. I reserve that special treat for only those I love or someone who takes me on vacation or buys me something pretty, I'm flexible. This guy had obviously not met some of the guys I have dated.

I thought for a minute and tried to think of a way to rebound from the joke but I couldn't think of a joke that was quite as filthy as sperm drinking. Thinking back, I have some ideas. I remembered a joke about a transvestite that I heard in a gay bar in Tennessee. I guess hindsight really is 20/20.

There were a few moments of awkward silence. I then asked him if he had ever been to the Pride events in the city. I figured he seemed to get really nervous when I brought it up the first time so I should continue down that road. Also, you never know when these married couples are gonna be swingers and go to those things to pick up a young'n.

He said he had never been but had been to the Asian Pride parade. I really don't know how the two are similar but I would assume a lot of the Gay pride parade is Asian so maybe that was the similarity. I decided not to investigate further but did make a mental note to google Asian Pride San Francisco.

We get back to the dealership and the manager comes over to see how I liked the car. He was much better looking than Big head so I immediately started to flirt. I'm not above giving head to get a couple thousand knocked off or something free at the dealership. However, if I have to get on my knees, I want to get at least 3 knocked off the price. I have standards.

The three of us go into a tiny room to discuss pricing. I will not bore you with the details but to say that there is no wiggle room with the new Scion's. They have a set price and there is no negotiation. I had called the other Toyota dealership in the area to see if they had the Scion in the color I wanted and they told me the same thing about the pricing They could order me a car but the price would be the same thing. My dealership did not have the color I wanted so I was hesitant.

Rocky was now becoming a shark. He was pulling out all the hard knock selling tactics. He told me that I would regret not buying it and should buy it. I looked at him in astonishment. I was like, really? That's your hard sell tactic? I was a little offended that he didnt try harder to sell me. I was prepared to play hard ball and see what I could get for free. I was not impressed with his selling tactics but appreciated his lack of effort as my coffee had started to kick in and I needed to go to the bathroom. I would have to wait till I got home as I imagine the bathroom would have been unpleasant with playboy magazines and some kind of fish artwork.

I told him I needed to think about it and talk to my sister who would need to approve it. I'm not sure if he knew I was lying but he seemed to be pretty passive about it and I was relieved. As I got up, Chippendale manager came in and that's when I realized he was the hard sell. He was a tough cookie. He knew he was pretty and totally used that to his advantage. I was having a hard time not flirting with him but I remembered my trashy slow sister and had a mission. I reminded him that I had to run it over with her first and couldn't call because she had been grounded and not allowed to use the phone since the myspace scandal. I kept stressing that she was in high school and I would need to run it over to the parents. I am pretty sure that everyone knew I was full of shit but you play the hand, you gotta keep up the bluff. The good thing about telling the same lie over and over is that you can add new exciting details to the story as you go along. I was tempted to add a side plot that involved a teen pregnancy or a fake wooden leg but I thought this side plot would be pushing it too far.

As I left, Big head said he would call and follow up with me. I had forgotten that I gave him my phone number and email and I have since gotten an email a day. I really don't know how to mark email as spam and I am lazy so I am sure I will end up on some hit list and start getting advertisements for Viagra or hair removal. I wont need those for at least a few more years.

So I accomplished my goal and test drove the car, all in all the day was a wealth of knowledge. I still plan on looking for a mini but I have a backup plan now. I also learned a new joke. And it appears I now have the best gift of all, an email relationship with Big head. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Doctors can't use bias to deny gays treatment

I was quite surprised that this was still an issue, especially in California. I found this to be interesting since most doctors swear an oath to help patients but apparently this does not hold true for all patients for some doctors. Interesting read regardless of your sexual orientation. What if your gay uncle was denied healthcare based on one ridiculous issue? Its odd that we still live in a world where this kind of rhetoric still exists. There are so many important issues to me like the environment and Darfur but when I hear about these kinds of issues in our country, it makes me sad. These issues should be easy fixes compared to those i mentioned before but people are so narrow minded and it just pisses me off.

(08-18) 12:53 PDT SAN FRANCISCO -- California doctors who have religious objections to gays and lesbians must nevertheless treat them the same as any other patient or find a colleague in the office who will do so, the state Supreme Court ruled unanimously Monday.

The justices rejected a San Diego County fertility clinic's attempt to use its physicians' religious beliefs as a justification for their refusal to provide artificial insemination for a lesbian couple. The ruling, based on a state law prohibiting businesses from discriminating against customers because of their sexual orientation, comes three months after the court struck down California's ban on same-sex marriage.

"This isn't just a win for me personally and for other lesbian women," said the plaintiff, Guadalupe Benitez. "Anyone could be the next target if doctors are allowed to pick and choose their patients based on religious views about other groups of people."

The ruling is the first in the nation to address doctors' religious objections to treating gay or lesbian patients and should make health care more accessible, said Benitez's lawyer, Jennifer Pizer, of the Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund.

Lawyers for the clinic and two of its doctors said they were considering an appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court. One supporter of the physicians called the ruling a strike against religious freedom.

"This court is allowing two lesbians to force these individuals to choose between being doctors in the state of California or being able to practice their faith," said attorney Brad Dacus of the conservative Pacific Justice Institute, which filed arguments backing the doctors.

Benitez, now 36, sued North Coast Women's Care in Vista (San Diego County) and two of its doctors, saying they told her in 2000 that their Christian beliefs prohibited them from performing intrauterine insemination for a lesbian. The doctors later said they would have refused the treatment for any unmarried couple.

They referred Benitez to another clinic for the insemination, which cost her thousands of dollars because it wasn't covered by her health plan, her lawyer said. She did not become pregnant then, but since has borne three children and is raising them with her partner of 18 years.

The lawsuit has been on hold while courts decided whether the doctors could defend denying treatment to lesbians by invoking their religious beliefs.

A state appeals court ruled in the doctors' favor in 2005. But the state's high court said Monday that California's Unruh Civil Rights Act - which prohibits discrimination against business customers because of their customers' sexual orientation as well as race, sex, religion and other categories - applies to all businesses, regardless of their religious views.

The law "furthers California's compelling interest in ensuring full and equal access to medical treatment irrespective of sexual orientation," said Justice Joyce Kennard.

In language that would apply equally to abortions, Kennard said doctors who have religious objections to a particular procedure or treatment can refuse to perform it for any patient, but can't selectively reject gays and lesbians. She said they also have the option of referring a patient to someone else at the clinic who will perform the procedure, an option that wasn't available in this case.

Kennard cited the court's 2004 ruling requiring Catholic Charities to abide by a state law that compels company-sponsored health plans for employees to offer contraception for women. She also rejected the doctors' free-speech claim, saying they remain free to criticize the anti-discrimination law as long as they comply with it.

Kenneth Pedroza, lawyer for the doctors and the clinic, noted that the ruling leaves the physicians free to argue to the jury that they had religious objections to providing the infertility treatment to unmarried couples. The Unruh Act now bans discrimination based on marital status, but the rights of unmarried couples were not clearly established when Benitez visited the clinic.

"Our doctors aren't going to be silenced," Pedroza said.

In considering a U.S. Supreme Court appeal, Pedroza said the high court may be ready to reconsider its 1990 ruling that upheld states' authority to enforce laws that restrict religious practices even though they were not intended to stifle religion. That ruling, cited in Monday's California decision, allowed Oregon to deny unemployment benefits to two people who were fired for using peyote in a religious ritual at an American Indian church.

Monday's case is North Coast Women's Care Medical Group vs. Superior Court, S142892. The ruling is available at links.sfgate.com/ZEOB. E-mail Bob Egelko at begelko@sfchronicle.com.

Santa Cruz

I went up to Santa Cruz recently and had never been but had a great time! The drive is about 2 hours from San Francisco but well worth it! There was a great boardwalk and beach and I needed the beach real bad. My buddy and I had a good time and I was also able to catch a few of the rollercoasters which was great. My favorite was the Giant Dipper. Its an older coaster but so much fun! It was a great weekend.

It's all about love

I hope for love for everyone. Its simple but I wish it for everyone. I think its important. I love the simple things. I can sit in the back of a bar and watch others interact and be completely fine. I really don’t need to interact to be satisfied. I don’t understand the rush down the street to the next turmoil. I prefer the cozy fire in a fireplace and snowflakes any day to a crowded city. Thunderstorms are miracles and I treasure them. It’s those things in my life that bring the biggest smile to me.
Bad weeks always bring out the best memories for me. Curling up in the cold sheets in the summer. A song with a great melody that I cant get out of my head. Hearing I love you and knowing its true. Lemonade on a hot day with sweat on the brow. Summer storms. Having everything but nothing. I long for a simple life. Days filled with love and happiness.
I look at children and get so excited because I know they are in for such a great ride. Growing up and seeing new things with such passion and newness. That excitement is what makes life fun. Loving for the first time and learning. In all the bad, there are so many great reasons to be happy. Its all about love. It really does make the world go around.

Jeebus, is it friday yet?

Tuesday morning and feeling good. The weekend was great and really got out and enjoyed life. I headed up to Santa Cruz, Ca on Sunday and had a blast. I was really exicted because Santa Cruz is the city that is the backdrop in "The Lost Boys". I had alot of fun and definitely enjoyed myself.
This week is going pretty well. I have a pretty full weekend so trying to get as much done before friday as possible.
I bought a new cd last night. Coner Oberst from "Bright Eyes" has a new solo cd out and its so good. I have been listening to it non stop. "Milk Thistle" is the track that stands out to me the most. It sounds alot like his other stuff but its a different lyrical standing. I like it alot and I am sure it will grow on me more.

Happy Friday!

How adorable is this kitty? I needed a good smile today!

Bad Day

Today has been an interesting day. I have been slightly stressed at work lately and I believe its finally taken a toll on me. I was stressing really bad today and I just had to stop for a minute and remind myself that life is not always good but we can make life good. I have to make my life work for me and not work for my life. It’s odd that I am in a situation where I feel like such an adult now. I can remember starting out as a teenager and having jobs that just barely paid the bills and now I am dealing with adult issues. I easily forget that I am 27 now and being adult isn’t always pockets full of roses.

My friend sent me this story at the perfect time. It definitely caught my attention.

WINNIPEG — Police said Thursday they didn’t know what prompted a passenger on a Greyhound bus heading to Winnipeg to viciously attack the man sitting next to him.
Passengers said the man repeatedly stabbed his seat-mate before beheading him and carrying the victim’s head around the bus.
RCMP Staff Sgt. Steve Colwell wouldn’t confirm those details, but did say a 40-year-old suspect was in RCMP custody and police were planning to interview him.
No charges were immediately laid.
Colwell said the behaviour of the passengers and driver probably prevented anyone else from being hurt.




“It’s not something that happens regularly on a bus,” he said. “You’re sitting there enjoying your trip and then all of a sudden somebody gets stabbed. I imagine it would be pretty traumatic ... the way they acted was extraordinary.”
Colwell said they “were very brave. They reacted swiftly, calmly in exiting the bus and as a result nobody else was injured.”
Shocked passengers described the horrific attack as something incomprehensible.
One moment, the quiet man near the back of the bus was minding his own business. The man hadn’t talked to anyone around him, and seemed to pay no attention to the younger fellow sitting next to him, who was listening to music on headphones.
The next moment, witnesses said, the older man stood up, still quiet, and repeatedly stabbed, then beheaded his younger victim.
“We heard this blood-curdling scream and turned around, and the guy was standing up, stabbing this guy repeatedly, like 40 or 50 times,” Garnet Caton said Thursday from a hotel in Brandon, Man., where he and other passengers had been taken to rest.
“There was no rage or anything. He was like a robot, stabbing the guy.”
Caton said the bus stopped and everyone scrambled to get out while the attacker started methodically carving up the victim’s body, not paying attention to anyone else.
Caton and the driver shut the bus door from the outside while they waited for police to arrive.
“We put our bodies up against the door, waiting for him to come out ... and he went back and brought the head to the front and pretty much displayed it ... and dropped it on the ground in front of us,” Caton said.
“All very calmly. He was wearing sunglasses. It was no big deal to him.”
Fellow passenger Cody Olmstead from Kentville, N.S., also recalled the chilling scene.
“The guy came to the front of the door with buddy’s head in his hands, decapitated. He dropped the head and went back and started cutting the body back up,” Olmstead said.
When police arrived, the victim and his attacker were the only ones left on the bus, Colwell said.
“When attempts were made to have him exit and surrender to police were unsuccessful, additional resources including the RCMP emergency response team and negotiator team were called in to assist.”
The man eventually tried to flee by breaking a bus window and jumping out, Colwell said.
“He was immediately subdued and arrested without incident and is currently in RCMP custody.”
Both Olmstead and Caton said the attacker and the victim appeared not to know each other.
They said the attacker boarded the bus in Brandon Wednesday night. The victim, who Caton said appeared to be about 19, had been on the bus since Edmonton.
Police would not confirm the victim’s age and said his name would not be released until his family had been notified. The suspect’s name wasn’t released either.
Federal Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day said the full weight of the law must be brought to bear on the perpetrator.
“We want to make sure the process is followed as aggressively as possible, the full legal process ....” Day said from Levis, Que., where Conservative MPs are gathered for a summer planning session.
“This particular incident, as horrific as it is, is obviously extremely rare. Certainly the horrific nature of it is probably one-of-a-kind in Canadian history.”
Greyhound called the event tragic but isolated.
A company spokeswoman said bus travel is the safest mode of transportation, despite the fact bus stations do not have metal detectors and other security measures used at airports.
“Due to the rural nature of our network, airport-type security is not practical. It’s a very different type of system,” Abby Wambaugh said from Greyhound’s corporate offices in Texas.
The bus was carrying 37 passengers and the driver to Winnipeg from Edmonton.
A portion of the east-bound Trans-Canada Highway was closed overnight as officers remained on the scene.
Passengers had not explanation either as to what might have prompted the attack. The suspect had been on the bus for only about an hour and didn’t even sit near his victim at first.
“He sat in the front at first, everything was normal,” Caton said.
“We went to the next stop and he got off and had a smoke with another young lady there. When he got on the bus again, he came to the back near where I was sitting.
“He put his bags in the overhead compartment. He didn’t say a word to anybody. He seemed totally normal. About a half an hour later, we heard this blood-curdling scream.”
Here is a list of some violent attacks that have occurred on Greyhound passenger buses in Canada during the past eight years:
—July 30, 2008. Man killed and beheaded on board a Greyhound bus near Portage La Prairie, Man. Police arrest a suspect.
—Dec. 24, 2007. A 27-year-old man is stabbed after an argument with another passenger on a Greyhound bus near Tweed, Ont. A 37-year-old American man is charged with attempted murder.
—Feb. 16, 2007. A group of people in their 20’s attack and beat the driver of a Greyhound bus in Lloydminster, Alta.
—Dec. 23, 2000. A man attempts to take control of a Greyhound bus near Thunder Bay, Ont. Thirty-two passengers are injured when the bus lands on its side in a ditch. One woman later dies of her injuries.
—March, 2000. A pregnant woman is attacked by a man on a Greyhound bus in London, Ont. The woman suffered injuries to her arms.

This was such a shock to me. It really made me appreciate all these little issues that I am having today because I am alive to have them. Life can always be tougher and I really appreciate the fact that I am alive to be miserable today. I’m putting my smile on and going out tonight with my friend to enjoy life!

Drunks of Sonoma County

Im a lush and so a trip to Sonoma County was inevitable. I went out to SC last weekend and rocked the county. We hit up several wineries and I purchased some grand slam wine that is chilling as we speak. Here are some photos, a good time was had by all.

Back in Black

So im back after about six months. I had taken a break from this blog to refresh my mind and to just focus on other things. Things are much better now so I decided to start blogging again.
Life is going really good right now. After a bad break up in the early part of the year, I took a break from dating to focus on me. Im now dating again and its going well. Its good to get out and meet new people and thats what I am doing right now. I have been traveling alot lately to LA so I have had little time to focus on writing but I am getting back into that habit as well. Life is good right now with no complaints.

Birthday Gala

Its been a great week so far. Im enjoying my first week as a 27 year old. How odd to be 27 and not 21. It feels as though people should be calling me "sir" or something.
The weekend was great. The weather was terrible but we made the best of the rain.
Saturday was dinner at Betelnut, followed by drinking and dancing. We had a blast. I drank so much that i literally cant remember alot of the evening, but that might be a positive. Im sobriety challenged.
Sunday was amazing as well. Did some shopping here in San Francicso and caught an afternoon movie with Josh and Jenny. We then had pig out night with pizza and brownies. It was a great weekend!

Monday already?

Is it Monday already? After a very rough week, I can report that I am officially feeling good.
Last week was rough for many reasons. One…the weather. Two….broken up with on email. Three….the weather.

It was a glorious weekend. The weather was still terrible due to these horrible floods and rain that the bay area has been getting lately.
I went out with my friend josh and dre on Saturday and had a blast. We started out in the Castro and it was great. No drama and plenty of drinking. We ended up back at Josh's and watched Sweeney Todd. It was a pretty good movie from what I can remember. Blood and gore were abundant in the movie and I liked that a lot.

On Sunday, Josh and I started out with lunch and a movie. We went to see 27 dresses and I was surprised that I liked it so much. It definitely seemed to fit the bill as far as romantic comedies go but James Marsden really stole the show. He showed a comedic side that I had not seen before and was incredibly charming and sly. It was a fun movie and worth a nice rainy afternoon in the theatre.

Its Monday now and I am feeling good. Josh and I might be hitting up eighties monday at the bar on castro tonite. We went last week and had a blast. If the weather permits, hopefully we can go again tonite.

www.savedarfur.org

If you are reading this blog right now, you are probably
doing better than alot of people in Sudan. Its a horrible
situation and something I feel pretty passionate about.
Alot of people dont really know what is happening over
there so I thought I would blog about whats happening and spread the word.

Since early 2003, Sudanese armed forces and
Sudanese government-backed militia known as the
“Janjaweed” have been fighting two rebel groups in
Darfur, the Sudanese Liberation Army/Movement
(SLA/SLM) and the Justice and Equality Movement
(JEM), which have since fractured into over a dozen
groups. The stated political aim of the rebels has been
to compel the government of Sudan to address
underdevelopment and the political marginalization of
the region. In response, the Sudanese government’s
regular armed forces and the Janjaweed have targeted
civilian populations and ethnic groups from which the
rebels primarily draw their support.The Sudanese
government and the Janjaweed militias are responsible
for the burning and destruction of hundreds of villages,
the killing of hundreds of thousands of people and
rape and assault of thousands of women and girls.

THE FACTS!!!!!!!!!!!• As many as 400,000 people have been killed;
• An estimated 2.5 million innocent civilians have
been forced to flee their homes and now live in
internally displaced persons (IDP) camps in
Sudan or in refugee camps in neighboring Chad;
• Over 3 million men,women,
and children are reliant on
international aid for survival.
Not since the Rwandan genocide of
1994 has the world seen such a
calculated campaign of displacement,
starvation, rape, and mass slaughter.

I truly believe that knowledge is key in this horrible situation. Spreading the word to people and letting others know is important. You can read more at www.savedarfur.org or on myspace at http://www.myspace.com/savedarfurcoalition

Doomsday Trailer

This is the trailer for Doomsday. Its from director Neil Marshall. He directed The Descent and Dog Soldiers. Two really great movies that I highly recommend. It look great and how fucking hot is Rhona Mitra. Im stoked to see this!

Cloverfield

Woot! Thats all i can say about Cloverfield. I am happy to report that I wasnt disappointed with the movie.

I had tried to stay clear of most spoilers regarding the movie and I found it to be worth the wait.

The movie combines action, suspense and sci-fi in a great combination that left me satisfied and yearning for more in the end.

We begin with a group of friends at a going away party for a guy named Rob. Shit happens. People die and stuff goes boom!

I had a few issues with the movie. A few plot holes and a lack of gore could have been fixed but I cant complain too much. It was a fun ride and better than most of the genre movies that have been coming out lately.
Im actually going to see it for a second time tonite. Im stoked!

Sounds good in theory

To thine own self be true. It sure sounds good in theory.

To see beyond the surface is both complicated and innovative. What lies past the tough demeanor, the fancy cars, the muscles, and the overwhelming attitude can be a very different creature. It is true that you never see the proverbial “real me”. The truth of the matter is that you only can see what you are given and have to go with the initial instincts of a situation. The decision to accuse of a lie or immoral action can cause both parties great pain. The other side is to ignore these properties all together and many among us have a difficulty doing so.

To trust is a divine action that we as humans can share. It can also be the most difficult. This applies not only to trusting others but also trusting ourselves. Trusting that we are making the best decisions in our best interests is a task all by itself. Many tend to believe that self destruction is part of the daily task.

Moving beyond the pain of the past is not impossible but akin to pushing a car up a hill. It’s possible but rarely does it happen to the best of us. Even Mrs. Jesus can only help so much. It has to be in our hands. It just does not seem to always work out for the best.

If you look at the most happy person, you will get something else completely behind the veil. Integrating all the parts of my self is my goal. Looking past the good and the bad and striving for the whole of me is my journey. Large egos fill a room but you should embrace it to find a common place in yourself. Put the ego in perspective and use it when needed. Finding a way to access the vulnerability and ego is a challenge but a challenge that is needed.

People can have such hatred and anger filled notions of a person. Understanding why the people feel this way can benefit so much. It’s not a matter of agreeing with these notions but understanding where these feelings are coming from. It’s ok to be vulnerable and it’s hard to hide sometimes.

At the end of the day, it comes down to finding ourselves. The exploration of our souls and psyche can be a tormenting venture but worth it in the end.

The Good Fight

Pain and pleasure. The two seem to go hand in hand. Im going through the constant dilemnia of how far is too far. When do you throw in the towel and give up? Im seeing someone and it seems doomed. We have nothing in common but we are still trying to make it work. He is a good person..loyal and big hearted. That seems to be whats keeping me in the relationship. The problem is that we are so different. How do I deal with all this madness? I know he can tell there is something wrong and is feeling my cold shoulder. I just dont want to lead someone on and be a jerk.