Darkness

The darkness is my friend. It surrounds me like a blanket. I have always found the darkness to be more comforting than the light. In the darkness, I feel safe and alive. I prefer the dimness to the brightness. I live for those moments of silence in the dark with just a slight ray of light coming into focus. There is a moment when the eyes adjust to the darkness and it’s like I have new eyes. I see things much more clearly. The focus comes into play and I see things I had not noticed before. My problem is not overcoming the darkness but overcoming the light. I don’t enjoy the light. It’s hard for me to function as most would want me to function. Asserting my smile when it’s neither easy nor safe seems to be a constant. I sometimes feel like a stranger to others but I know myself well.
My eyes drift from left to right and I see new things I never noticed. My hand is in the air and moves through the vast darkness and it feels as though I have peace. Peace from the noise, the cars, the voices telling me I need to improve and change. The secrets to life elude me but I feel as though I have picked up small clues along the way. My secret is that I won’t reveal them to anyone. Maybe it’s not such a secret.
Alone is the only time I feel free to be me. I question the health benefits of this feeling but it’s been that way for so long. It’s been a long time since I looked for the light. I have lived quite comfortably in the dark and it’s safe. I have seen slivers of light in recent weeks and it’s working its way into my eyes. I feel as though some of my shell is breaking away and I am coming to fruition, a hybrid of who I am and who I want to be. I now see that I have to merge the light and the dark, force those worlds to come together to make a whole. I can’t exist strictly in the dark but must force through to see a brighter hope. It’s a challenge because the darkness calls me so easily.