Darkness

The darkness is my friend. It surrounds me like a blanket. I have always found the darkness to be more comforting than the light. In the darkness, I feel safe and alive. I prefer the dimness to the brightness. I live for those moments of silence in the dark with just a slight ray of light coming into focus. There is a moment when the eyes adjust to the darkness and it’s like I have new eyes. I see things much more clearly. The focus comes into play and I see things I had not noticed before. My problem is not overcoming the darkness but overcoming the light. I don’t enjoy the light. It’s hard for me to function as most would want me to function. Asserting my smile when it’s neither easy nor safe seems to be a constant. I sometimes feel like a stranger to others but I know myself well.
My eyes drift from left to right and I see new things I never noticed. My hand is in the air and moves through the vast darkness and it feels as though I have peace. Peace from the noise, the cars, the voices telling me I need to improve and change. The secrets to life elude me but I feel as though I have picked up small clues along the way. My secret is that I won’t reveal them to anyone. Maybe it’s not such a secret.
Alone is the only time I feel free to be me. I question the health benefits of this feeling but it’s been that way for so long. It’s been a long time since I looked for the light. I have lived quite comfortably in the dark and it’s safe. I have seen slivers of light in recent weeks and it’s working its way into my eyes. I feel as though some of my shell is breaking away and I am coming to fruition, a hybrid of who I am and who I want to be. I now see that I have to merge the light and the dark, force those worlds to come together to make a whole. I can’t exist strictly in the dark but must force through to see a brighter hope. It’s a challenge because the darkness calls me so easily.

NIN Conert

Me on the left, my friend on the right
NIN Concert; Oakland, CA

Chemistry

This is an interesting article I came across on Chemistry. Its a good read and pretty short.

DO YOU TWO HAVE CHEMISTRY?
By Amy Spencer
New York City-based writer Amy Spencer has contributed to Glamour, Maxim, New York and Real Simple.

Sweaty palms? Sort of. A pounding heart? A bit. Even so, you're still not completely sure there are sparks between you. Understandable: While it'd be nice to think that the earth moves and the angels sing when you've found The One, sometimes the signals that you two are truly meant for each other are much more subtle than that. Here are seven dead giveaways that singles often miss --

Subtle sign 1: You turn into a total klutz
So far, you've dropped your fork and knocked over your water glass...and that's before the entrées have arrived. While embarrassing, these gaffes are actually a good sign. "When you have serious chemistry, your body produces elevated levels of the neurotransmitter norepinephrine," says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University. This, in turn, can make you jittery, uncoordinated, and a little accident-prone. And if you're embarrassed by your klutziness, that's a good sign, too! Because if you don't care what your date thinks of you, you probably don't think much of your date.

Subtle sign 2: You notice a tiny dent in your date's pinkie nail
Or that your date's hair flips up on the left but under on the right. You've never noticed something like that about a person before, so why now? Because when there's true chemistry, the body's levels of the chemical dopamine rise and lead to "imprinting," a theory of attachment discovered by German ethologist and Nobel Prize winner Niko Tinbergen. This imprinting makes you focus on this one person more clearly and notice the tiniest, most insignificant details about a person -- and their possessions. Says Dr. Fisher, "His car in the parking lot looks different. His backpack looks different. His coat on the coat rack stands out. Everything about him is special, novel, unique."

Subtle sign 3: You agree to split the spinach dip appetizer -- and you don't even like spinach dip!
True chemistry makes us more mellow than usual -- so don't be surprised if you find yourself being agreeable with your date in ways you might not with anyone else: You don't mind walking 10 blocks with your date from your parking spot. You're suddenly up for seeing a Corky Romano movie. And even though you're not a fan of Indian food, what the heck, you'll give it another shot. "When you're falling in love, you more easily surrender your boundaries because of a strong desire to merge with that person," explains Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Keeping the Love You Find.

Subtle sign 4: The room you're in seems brighter than usual
Did someone nudge up the dimmer switch? Perhaps. But it could also mean you're smitten, thanks to a physiological reaction discovered by University of Chicago biopsychologist Eckhard Hess, a pioneer in the area of "pupillometrics." In short, Hess found that when people look at something or someone that causes positive feelings or sparks interest, their pupils dilate in an attempt to take in more of it, also letting in more light as well.

Subtle sign 5: You're more fidgety during the date
If you find yourself tapping your leg or otherwise fidgeting during the date, rest assured: Whether you fully know it or not, you like this person. "These are 'displacement gestures' -- what you do when you're trying to decide what to do with yourself," explains Dr. Fisher. "If someone is smiling at you and you can't decide if you should smile back or look away, you play with your hair. Or you run your tongue along your teeth." This happens because your brain is over-stimulated, leading you to vent the extra energy with a little self-grooming. Some experts even argue that stroking your own arm or leg indicates a subconscious desire to reach out and touch the person you're with.

Subtle sign 6: You keep forgetting there's food on the table
When you're out with someone who doesn't float your boat, boy, do those garlic mashed potatoes taste good. But if you're feeling a chemical attraction to someone, the food being served is the last thing on your mind -- and not just because you're nervous. Blame this on elevated levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which fuels feelings of desire. Higher levels of dopamine, according to Dr. Fisher, "give you a feeling of lightness, increased energy and a feeling of minor ecstasy. And you're definitely not hungry!" So if your date seems disappointed that you only ate four bites of your steak, you can clear it up later by explaining what a five-star sign it really is.

Subtle sign 7: You feel more "familiar" with your date than "lusty"
Sure, most people think it's a good sign when they want to jump over the table and rip their date's clothes off. But let's be honest -- there are plenty of acquaintances you've wanted to do that to, and there was no deeper, underlying chemistry there. A stronger sign is that instead of feeling lust for your date, you're overwhelmed by a feeling of familiarity -- a sense of, "Gosh, I feel like I've known you before." The chemistry at work, says Dr. Hendrix, "is due to the emotional center in your brain's limbic system recognizing qualities in the person that resemble qualities about the caretakers we had during childhood." For example, a man might recognize a feeling of being at ease and nurtured the way his mother made him feel. A woman might feel comfortable with the dry humor of her date, similar to the way her father interacted with her. "This intense familiarity triggers the release of dopamine, which can lead to that 'Wow' feeling," explains Dr. Hendrix. Oh, and by this point, it's also definitely OK to want to jump over the table and rip your date's clothes off!

NIN FEVER!

So the time has finally come. NIN concert tomorrow in Oakland, CA. Im so excited that I cant even think of words to describe my excitement. I have seen NIN so many times but I still get excited like XMAS. Its the live show that really does it for me. Trent is such a genius and captures so many feelings and emotions with his music and lyrics that I can't resist. This is going to be a great show and I cant wait to see it and scream at trent from the front row!

So there was a car salesman

I have been out of the driving world for quite some time now. I'm quite lucky to live in a city that does not require owning a car. The idea of helping the environment and reducing smog is also another reason I have not invested in a car since my last vehicle. I haven't owned a car since I totaled my last vehicle almost a year ago. I haven't really missed driving. On the car trips I have taken, I usually rent a car.

Times have changed. I now find myself in a situation where I will soon need a vehicle. I'm actually quite surprised that I still have a valid license. I am a terrible driver and make no excuse for how horrible I am. I would say that I have my moments but I tend to drive fast and with little concern for others. How my driving mimics my life!

I had been looking on the internet for cars and had taken a fancy to the Toyota brand. It's simple, practical and gets great gas mileage. Although I must admit to wanting to purchase a Mini Cooper and have been rummaging Craigslist for a deal.

I decided to go to a local Toyota dealer over the weekend with no intention to buy but to just browse and get a vibe from the different models. It was early Saturday and I had prepared myself by deciding ahead of time that if I felt pressured, I would leave. The last time I had bought a car, I bought one the same day I had test drove. I didn't want to make the same mistake again.

As I am browsing the cars and trying to avoid setting off any alarms on the cars (past mistake I won't make twice), I notice a large man walking towards me. I immediately assume this man to either be a car salesman or serial killer intent on tying me up, trapping me in the trunk of the car, stealing the car and driving me to some abandoned spot to do horrible acts to me or a combination of both!

He was a salesman and made a very loud entrance with "hi there young man". The guy was only a couple years older than me but I appreciated his attempt at flattery because like on a first date, flattery will get me to do anything.

I had not noticed his appearance due to the sun but once he came closer to me, I was quite alarmed. He looked a little bit like the Rocky character from the 80's movie "Mask" but Cher was nowhere to be found. His head did block the sun and I was very happy to avoid an unwanted sunburn on my face. He did the salesman talk where they act like we were best friends that fooled around at summer camp in our youth but had repressed the memories and had learned to be just friends. He was also a close talker, so close in fact that I distinctly recall him having tuna for lunch.

I explained to big head that I was not looking to purchase today and was merely browsing. I also indicated that I was looking for my sister so he would realize that I was not buying today. I had used the same trick when I had bought my Laptop from Comp USA. They kept trying to get me to upgrade everything and I told the guy that I was buying it for my sister and I just wanted it to be simple for her little brain. There was also a back story about how my sister had been posting Myspace photos of an adult nature. I tend to exaggerate when lying and felt that I was taking it too far and tried to bring it back by explaining that my sister was special. For some reason, a computer for my slow, trashy younger sister with an addiction to myspace seemed a better lie than the fact that I was cheap and didn't want an extended warranty.

Big head and I talked for about five minutes about my accent. I find that anytime people bring up my accent, it's never in a good way. I rarely hear that I have a sexy accent but I do get that I sound southern and I take that to mean that I sound country. A lot of stories I hear will involve George Bush or Designing Women. I always wondered if the black guy on Designing Women had a real accent or if he was faking it like Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias. Although, Julia is from GA so I was really pissed that she put on that fake southern accent for the movie. She was young so I won't hold the accent against her or the fact that she was with Keifer Sutherland. She has suffered enough.

Rocky started telling me about his ex wife who grew up in Texas and had moved to LA to pursue an acting career. I smiled and nodded but I was really thinking about free coffee. The best thing about car hunting is the free coffee. Yeah, its really crappy coffee but its still free and I feel that it's owed to me for coming by. I always have a casual way of getting free coffee. I smiled and said "wow, that coffee smells great!" I had not only hinted that I wanted some coffee but I also got Big head away from the horrible story that I feared was coming about his ex wife. He seemed like one of those guys that would just start crying at a moments notice, talking about the love that could have been with his ex wife. I was hoping her name was Trudy because I rarely hear that name.

Big head escorted me inside, gave me some coffee and took my license. They need your license to let you test drive the cars. I guess they want to prevent lawsuits and stuff but I always hate giving my license because I look a little like Edward James Olmos from Miami Vice.

I decided to test drive the new Scion. It was a nice car and was much nicer on the inside. I am still not convinced that I cant find a mini cooper the way I want it but I figured this could be my back up plan. I didn't like the old model Scion's that looked like Wagons from the 1800's. Really, they looked like you could hitch some horses to the front and they would pull the car. I always expect to see Laura Ingalls Wilder get out of those cars when I see them at Safeway. I never understand the appeal of the older models.

I was worried that Big head would not be able to get in the car but he managed to get in and we were off. I had failed to mention the severity of acne scaring on the man. I only mention this because he was wearing a wedding ring and its moments like that when I realize that miracles do happen in the world.

He told me to drive wherever I wanted but I should stay close. I asked him if I could get on the interstate to test the speed. He seemed to nod but I wasn't sure becasuse I was paying no attention to him. I had already decided to give it a spin and was heading on the ramp once I mentioned it to him. I figure if I am going to buy, I want to know what kind of power it has. It did really well. It picked up speed nicely and had quite a bit of leg room which was a relief. My last car tended to make me feel claustrophobic so I was happy that my testicles had some room to run free. I should clarify that I still had my pants on during the test drive.

I had not anticipated the awkwardness of the ride. It had been awkward in person but we had room to walk and I had coffee. I realized why car shopping was geared to married couples because couples can talk and ignore the salesman. We were now in a confined spot on the interstate and I was trying to keep conversation light. I had mentioned gay pride in the city was that weekend and I assumed it was like Christmas for gay folk, I had only mentioned this to him because it seems everyone in the bay area is part of PFLAG or something. I had not been to a San Francisco Pride event. I have so much gay pride that I don't think the city could handle all of it. I could have so much Pride that Gavin Newsom would have to call for a state of emergency in San Francisco.

After I mention Gay Pride, Rocky gets all weird. You would have thought I had just sodomized the man. He then tells a joke but i should preface the joke. I think its ok for gay people to make gay jokes. I don't really mind when str8 people make gay jokes. I am rarely offended and usually think they are pretty damn funny. I am old school gay and I am completely filthy. However, the joke was a little disturbing to me and I was essentially a stranger so I thought it was odd. Here is the joke as I can recall:



Big head: Why did the fag get fired from the sperm bank?



Me: Uh, Uh..uhm…huh..well…what?




Big head: They caught him drinking on the job.



I was so offended. Not because he used the word "fag" but because he perpetuated the stereotype that all gay men like to swallow. I just don't think its right to put that out there for everyone. I reserve that special treat for only those I love or someone who takes me on vacation or buys me something pretty, I'm flexible. This guy had obviously not met some of the guys I have dated.

I thought for a minute and tried to think of a way to rebound from the joke but I couldn't think of a joke that was quite as filthy as sperm drinking. Thinking back, I have some ideas. I remembered a joke about a transvestite that I heard in a gay bar in Tennessee. I guess hindsight really is 20/20.

There were a few moments of awkward silence. I then asked him if he had ever been to the Pride events in the city. I figured he seemed to get really nervous when I brought it up the first time so I should continue down that road. Also, you never know when these married couples are gonna be swingers and go to those things to pick up a young'n.

He said he had never been but had been to the Asian Pride parade. I really don't know how the two are similar but I would assume a lot of the Gay pride parade is Asian so maybe that was the similarity. I decided not to investigate further but did make a mental note to google Asian Pride San Francisco.

We get back to the dealership and the manager comes over to see how I liked the car. He was much better looking than Big head so I immediately started to flirt. I'm not above giving head to get a couple thousand knocked off or something free at the dealership. However, if I have to get on my knees, I want to get at least 3 knocked off the price. I have standards.

The three of us go into a tiny room to discuss pricing. I will not bore you with the details but to say that there is no wiggle room with the new Scion's. They have a set price and there is no negotiation. I had called the other Toyota dealership in the area to see if they had the Scion in the color I wanted and they told me the same thing about the pricing They could order me a car but the price would be the same thing. My dealership did not have the color I wanted so I was hesitant.

Rocky was now becoming a shark. He was pulling out all the hard knock selling tactics. He told me that I would regret not buying it and should buy it. I looked at him in astonishment. I was like, really? That's your hard sell tactic? I was a little offended that he didnt try harder to sell me. I was prepared to play hard ball and see what I could get for free. I was not impressed with his selling tactics but appreciated his lack of effort as my coffee had started to kick in and I needed to go to the bathroom. I would have to wait till I got home as I imagine the bathroom would have been unpleasant with playboy magazines and some kind of fish artwork.

I told him I needed to think about it and talk to my sister who would need to approve it. I'm not sure if he knew I was lying but he seemed to be pretty passive about it and I was relieved. As I got up, Chippendale manager came in and that's when I realized he was the hard sell. He was a tough cookie. He knew he was pretty and totally used that to his advantage. I was having a hard time not flirting with him but I remembered my trashy slow sister and had a mission. I reminded him that I had to run it over with her first and couldn't call because she had been grounded and not allowed to use the phone since the myspace scandal. I kept stressing that she was in high school and I would need to run it over to the parents. I am pretty sure that everyone knew I was full of shit but you play the hand, you gotta keep up the bluff. The good thing about telling the same lie over and over is that you can add new exciting details to the story as you go along. I was tempted to add a side plot that involved a teen pregnancy or a fake wooden leg but I thought this side plot would be pushing it too far.

As I left, Big head said he would call and follow up with me. I had forgotten that I gave him my phone number and email and I have since gotten an email a day. I really don't know how to mark email as spam and I am lazy so I am sure I will end up on some hit list and start getting advertisements for Viagra or hair removal. I wont need those for at least a few more years.

So I accomplished my goal and test drove the car, all in all the day was a wealth of knowledge. I still plan on looking for a mini but I have a backup plan now. I also learned a new joke. And it appears I now have the best gift of all, an email relationship with Big head. It's the gift that keeps on giving.