This morning, I was told it was the summer of Adam. A reference to the Seinfeld episode when George declared the summer of George. I'm not sure if this will be true for me but lets wait and see.
I had an interesting evening. I hung with a guy all night and just talked. It had been so long since that happened that I kind of forgot how nice it can be to just talk. Granted, the guy is good looking but it was nice to see something else going on besides a pretty face.
Its been a funky few months and my feelings have not always been clear on what I wanted versus what I needed. I had got burned and was taking some comfort in being alone and refusing dates and such. I'm glad that I stuck out for something more.
I enjoy this feeling, the feeling of not being sure if someone is attracted to you or just friends. Its interesting. I'm very flexible and would like both but sometimes people just don't feel you the same way. Its interesting and I have not been in this position in a long time. I kind of like it.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
My lies
Why can't it be gone? These feelings are torture for me. You won't just let me let go. I have not acknowledged you yet you continue to attempt contact. I want you to let me heal. Its taken me four months to even begin to feel normal again. You left that message on Saturday and it just hurts to hear your voice. If you only knew what I had done to move past it all. You are cold, emotionless. You feel nothing but your own needs and desires. NO concern for any one else. You are a robot. I wish I could approach this in that same method. Alas, I invest in my feelings too much.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Breathe Me
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Warrior
A warrior doesn't need personal history. One day, he finds it is no longer necessary for him, and he drops it.
A beautiful quote I read today and it really moved me. It moved me for several reasons. I think these words sum up the last three months of my life. I have begun to let go of the past and accept my present. It’s interesting that we live so obsessed with everything in our possession and what we can achieve. I have lived with everything and I have lived with nothing. I still exist in the same soul and that is what makes me a warrior. I fight for it, the answers to my questions. I am not a warrior in the sense of fighting battles or destroying adversaries but more a warrior of myself. Trying to make a way for the world to work for me.
I have recently let go of the past in many ways and its truly liberating. I began by deleting emails and phone numbers from the past, deleting MySpace, and letting go of my life before the now. I will no longer dwell on the past. I have always been, for lack of a better word, a gypsy. I go where I want and partake of the world in my own ways while honoring my moral compass that guides me. I don’t judge others when possible and expect the same in return.
I have learned that the only way to be truly free is when you are no longer tied down to the world. I think that is why ancient man never created a book called “He’s just not that into you”. The world has changed. The relationship structure has changed and many assume this is for the best. Is this for the best?
Ancient warriors would fight and return home as victors. There was a sense of honor and they never worried about their credit scores or who to ask out on a date. They took what they want, had a moral code, and fought for the rest. There is always a downside but the basic idea is interesting to me.
Simple lives existing in simple ways was the idea and it seemed to serve its function. Why must we constantly try to progress? This constant need to acquire more and more, create more and more, and to live longer and longer seems to be quite unique our day and age.
I am letting go of my past world. I am seeking a spiritual enlightenment of some kind. I see the world in its true nature of good and bad and realize that without humans, the world would not exist. We cohabitate and we need each other, we all need each other.
A beautiful quote I read today and it really moved me. It moved me for several reasons. I think these words sum up the last three months of my life. I have begun to let go of the past and accept my present. It’s interesting that we live so obsessed with everything in our possession and what we can achieve. I have lived with everything and I have lived with nothing. I still exist in the same soul and that is what makes me a warrior. I fight for it, the answers to my questions. I am not a warrior in the sense of fighting battles or destroying adversaries but more a warrior of myself. Trying to make a way for the world to work for me.
I have recently let go of the past in many ways and its truly liberating. I began by deleting emails and phone numbers from the past, deleting MySpace, and letting go of my life before the now. I will no longer dwell on the past. I have always been, for lack of a better word, a gypsy. I go where I want and partake of the world in my own ways while honoring my moral compass that guides me. I don’t judge others when possible and expect the same in return.
I have learned that the only way to be truly free is when you are no longer tied down to the world. I think that is why ancient man never created a book called “He’s just not that into you”. The world has changed. The relationship structure has changed and many assume this is for the best. Is this for the best?
Ancient warriors would fight and return home as victors. There was a sense of honor and they never worried about their credit scores or who to ask out on a date. They took what they want, had a moral code, and fought for the rest. There is always a downside but the basic idea is interesting to me.
Simple lives existing in simple ways was the idea and it seemed to serve its function. Why must we constantly try to progress? This constant need to acquire more and more, create more and more, and to live longer and longer seems to be quite unique our day and age.
I am letting go of my past world. I am seeking a spiritual enlightenment of some kind. I see the world in its true nature of good and bad and realize that without humans, the world would not exist. We cohabitate and we need each other, we all need each other.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Fate VS Free Will
We don't choose the things we believe in; they choose us."
—Lamar Burgess
Ive been contemplating these kind of questions more as of late. Its easy not to think about such dire things but it comes up everyday. For a long time...I believed in free will. We make our choices. We define our paths.
But lately..ive questioned this. Do we have any control? Its easy to say no..it frees us to an extent. Frees us from the burden of mistakes made, consequences. We can do whatever we want. When things happen in life that surprise us and we cant explain how they occured...it seems to point us in the fate direction. Im interested to find out how some of you guys look at this. Have you experienced events that changed your path..changed your mind?
—Lamar Burgess
Ive been contemplating these kind of questions more as of late. Its easy not to think about such dire things but it comes up everyday. For a long time...I believed in free will. We make our choices. We define our paths.
But lately..ive questioned this. Do we have any control? Its easy to say no..it frees us to an extent. Frees us from the burden of mistakes made, consequences. We can do whatever we want. When things happen in life that surprise us and we cant explain how they occured...it seems to point us in the fate direction. Im interested to find out how some of you guys look at this. Have you experienced events that changed your path..changed your mind?
Friendship
"Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks"
"Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other."
- Honore Debalazac
"Friends are just enimies who don't have enough guts to kill you"
"Friends are like roses...you have to look out for the pricks!
"Whenever a friend suceeds, a little something in me dies."
- Gore Vidal
"I don't trust him. We're friends."
- Bertolt Brecht
"Only enemies speak the truth, friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty."
"Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other."
- Honore Debalazac
"Friends are just enimies who don't have enough guts to kill you"
"Friends are like roses...you have to look out for the pricks!
"Whenever a friend suceeds, a little something in me dies."
- Gore Vidal
"I don't trust him. We're friends."
- Bertolt Brecht
"Only enemies speak the truth, friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty."
To Forgive
To forgive
"Love is the first cause. It is the point of light beyond all light and darkness, it is truly the cohesive power of the universe. Love is the key to every closed door. There shoud be no discrimination in love, for divine love embraces all alike, no matter what color race, sex, creed or religion.... True love excludes self polluting energies such as fear of failure, fear of truth, and much more. The truth is you cannot enjoy the reality of love until you can forgive. Even from Christ's heart come the words" Father, Forgive them for they know not what they do. " excerpt from The Divine Doctor by Joseph Michael Levry. Forgiveness is the golden key needed to open the gates for spirit to accelarate the resurrection of the divine in living form.
"Love is the first cause. It is the point of light beyond all light and darkness, it is truly the cohesive power of the universe. Love is the key to every closed door. There shoud be no discrimination in love, for divine love embraces all alike, no matter what color race, sex, creed or religion.... True love excludes self polluting energies such as fear of failure, fear of truth, and much more. The truth is you cannot enjoy the reality of love until you can forgive. Even from Christ's heart come the words" Father, Forgive them for they know not what they do. " excerpt from The Divine Doctor by Joseph Michael Levry. Forgiveness is the golden key needed to open the gates for spirit to accelarate the resurrection of the divine in living form.
Relationships
Relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just great.
Night
Sitting on my bell tower
Looking down at you
Thinking of what the night will bring
Lusting after you
Tasting you on my teeth
Breathing down at you
Opening my wings for flight
Going down for you
Landing on your shoulders brow
Opening my mouth for you
Biting deep in your neck
Tasting the blood of you
Looking down at you
Thinking of what the night will bring
Lusting after you
Tasting you on my teeth
Breathing down at you
Opening my wings for flight
Going down for you
Landing on your shoulders brow
Opening my mouth for you
Biting deep in your neck
Tasting the blood of you
Friday, February 20, 2009
Weight on your shoulder
It’s interesting to realize what you have learned from a relationship. A new relationship, be that with a friend or lover, can bring out sides of you and emotions that you never knew possible. Of course, we see the good sides but the other deeper sides can also prove to be very interesting. Even when we feel that we failed at a relationship, we can still gather some sort of information from our time spent.
Ending something is hard and can sometimes feel like you won’t make it past the first month. The worst break up is when you feel that you gave 120% of yourself and you got less than 50% in return. The embarrassment, the anger and the pain can make it feel like it won’t get better but it does eventually. In an effort to remember words of wisdom that I have gathered in my 28 years in the dating world, I have compiled a list of suggestions.
• Don’t be afraid to ask yourself the tough questions? It’s good to get deep with the situation and see what caused the problems. Even if we feel the other person is at fault, we can always examine our own actions.
• Often times, the ex will want to remain friends with you but give yourself some time and distance. I have learned that you should give yourself a break from the drama and ignore the emails, the phone calls or the texting. That’s not to say you can’t ever be friends but you need to put some distance between yourself and the person of conflict.
• Reflect but don't get sucked back into a black hole. Whether you ended it, were broken up with, or it ended mutually, it’s good to remain steadfast on the decision. We always look back with open and happy eyes but the problems will still exist. If you could not work past it the first time, you won’t work past it a second time most likely. Don’t play these games. Move past it and work for the future. I have found that working on your own foundation is a good start. Get a massage, work out more, take an art class, anything that will benefit your spiritual and emotional growth.
• Accept the pain and anger. If you have friends who don’t want to hear it, tell them to fuck off. True friends will listen even if you have told the same story 17 times. Be honest and cry if you need to and don’t feel bad about your emotions. Most likely, all those feelings had been trying to get out for awhile. Let it out and then you can get past it with clarity.
• You will feel jealous. You might begin checking Facebook to see if they have any new friends that they could be dating or hooking up with. This is quite common but don’t succumb to the pressure. I have learned that ignorance can sometimes be bliss. Just stop yourself from trying to get more information and let the jealousy go if you can. It’s hard but must be done.
• Find a good outlet once your friends have told you to shut up. Yes, I stated above that a good friend will listen no matter what, but most people are not that patient. Find a way to let out your feelings. I write, privately. I keep a private blog that allows me to express myself with no thought of people viewing it or judging me. Judgment can be a big problem for most people so get rid of that obstacle. It’s good to write down your feelings so you can look back later and realize how you felt and it can help you to avoid the same mistakes.
• Finally, just let go. It’s probably the most difficult thing to do but it has to be done. You have to let go of the ghost of the relationship because the shadow will haunt you forever. Love comes and love goes but it’s unending and there is no shortage. It all comes full circle.
These are all suggestions that I have learned along the way from my relationships and my friends relationships.
Ending something is hard and can sometimes feel like you won’t make it past the first month. The worst break up is when you feel that you gave 120% of yourself and you got less than 50% in return. The embarrassment, the anger and the pain can make it feel like it won’t get better but it does eventually. In an effort to remember words of wisdom that I have gathered in my 28 years in the dating world, I have compiled a list of suggestions.
• Don’t be afraid to ask yourself the tough questions? It’s good to get deep with the situation and see what caused the problems. Even if we feel the other person is at fault, we can always examine our own actions.
• Often times, the ex will want to remain friends with you but give yourself some time and distance. I have learned that you should give yourself a break from the drama and ignore the emails, the phone calls or the texting. That’s not to say you can’t ever be friends but you need to put some distance between yourself and the person of conflict.
• Reflect but don't get sucked back into a black hole. Whether you ended it, were broken up with, or it ended mutually, it’s good to remain steadfast on the decision. We always look back with open and happy eyes but the problems will still exist. If you could not work past it the first time, you won’t work past it a second time most likely. Don’t play these games. Move past it and work for the future. I have found that working on your own foundation is a good start. Get a massage, work out more, take an art class, anything that will benefit your spiritual and emotional growth.
• Accept the pain and anger. If you have friends who don’t want to hear it, tell them to fuck off. True friends will listen even if you have told the same story 17 times. Be honest and cry if you need to and don’t feel bad about your emotions. Most likely, all those feelings had been trying to get out for awhile. Let it out and then you can get past it with clarity.
• You will feel jealous. You might begin checking Facebook to see if they have any new friends that they could be dating or hooking up with. This is quite common but don’t succumb to the pressure. I have learned that ignorance can sometimes be bliss. Just stop yourself from trying to get more information and let the jealousy go if you can. It’s hard but must be done.
• Find a good outlet once your friends have told you to shut up. Yes, I stated above that a good friend will listen no matter what, but most people are not that patient. Find a way to let out your feelings. I write, privately. I keep a private blog that allows me to express myself with no thought of people viewing it or judging me. Judgment can be a big problem for most people so get rid of that obstacle. It’s good to write down your feelings so you can look back later and realize how you felt and it can help you to avoid the same mistakes.
• Finally, just let go. It’s probably the most difficult thing to do but it has to be done. You have to let go of the ghost of the relationship because the shadow will haunt you forever. Love comes and love goes but it’s unending and there is no shortage. It all comes full circle.
These are all suggestions that I have learned along the way from my relationships and my friends relationships.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Hopeful Heart
Everyone seems to want to change themsevles in a New Year. It really all comes down to change. A New Year offers a prospect that so many need, hope. Hope for a better tomorrow or a thought of it all being ok. Why can’t it all be ok not to change? Why must it take a certain day to realize we need change?
Happiness is so important to us all. We all want a new job, a better car, and our relationships to be fruitful. Is is too much to ask that these all come at the same time? I would assume we must step back from our wants and needs to examine what is needed. I think you have to be ready to lose and fall before you really see change. You have to step back and see that what is needed is where you are and what you have in your pocket. It seems everyone is looking for a new trend to become obesessed with and torture themselves with on a daily basis. These days are so interesting to me. Ink my skin and I am a happy man.
Do you ever think about all those times you stopped yourself from saying I love you to someone? Think about all those days you spent worrying about your ramblings, I don’t do so much of that anymore. I think about how all these changes came my way and I wonder if I WILL ever see another highway? I’ve been winning so long, should I BE HAPPY?
Why can’t we stop our dreaming? Turn off those thoughts of what we see and can’t process in our heads. I guess we can deal with them if we chose to confront ourselves with them. Fuck those feelings, let’s buy our happiness away. That’s the motto of this great nation, isnt it?
The best part of my day is when I see the sunrise on my morning commute. It comes so quickly and opens my eyes and I smile. It’s something that gives me inexplainable happiness and I don’t pay a dime for it. No cosmetic surgery can fix it and no car company can produce it for me.
It’s so easy to sweep away those things we don’t want to deal with and hide. They will hide, under the carpet, and surprise us when we least expect. Mist will cover the bridge for so long but we eventually see where we are going. It can take some time to figure out what happiness means to us but once we do, we search for it with great vigor. We always know we are not the only one searching.
Happiness is so important to us all. We all want a new job, a better car, and our relationships to be fruitful. Is is too much to ask that these all come at the same time? I would assume we must step back from our wants and needs to examine what is needed. I think you have to be ready to lose and fall before you really see change. You have to step back and see that what is needed is where you are and what you have in your pocket. It seems everyone is looking for a new trend to become obesessed with and torture themselves with on a daily basis. These days are so interesting to me. Ink my skin and I am a happy man.
Do you ever think about all those times you stopped yourself from saying I love you to someone? Think about all those days you spent worrying about your ramblings, I don’t do so much of that anymore. I think about how all these changes came my way and I wonder if I WILL ever see another highway? I’ve been winning so long, should I BE HAPPY?
Why can’t we stop our dreaming? Turn off those thoughts of what we see and can’t process in our heads. I guess we can deal with them if we chose to confront ourselves with them. Fuck those feelings, let’s buy our happiness away. That’s the motto of this great nation, isnt it?
The best part of my day is when I see the sunrise on my morning commute. It comes so quickly and opens my eyes and I smile. It’s something that gives me inexplainable happiness and I don’t pay a dime for it. No cosmetic surgery can fix it and no car company can produce it for me.
It’s so easy to sweep away those things we don’t want to deal with and hide. They will hide, under the carpet, and surprise us when we least expect. Mist will cover the bridge for so long but we eventually see where we are going. It can take some time to figure out what happiness means to us but once we do, we search for it with great vigor. We always know we are not the only one searching.
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