Daysleeper

People are so fast at walking in this place. It’s as though the streets are made of fire. Nothing is as it should be but everything exists in a perfect place. The constant noise, the cries for help and the ecstasy of the day are all part of my walk to and from life. I do feel like a day sleeper. I exist at night and that’s where I feel so very alive. The light is sublime but why must I get up early to get a start on the day? This myth that the world only will exist at the peak hours of nine to five is absurd. I have learned a lot in the comfort of night.

I have taken many hands in the night and had meaningful talks. I have had my first kiss, the first puff of a cigarette, my first and not last heartbreak, and so many travels that it has to be magic. When I feel the wind on my face and the breeze from the ocean with only the stars, I am completely at peace. I can look into the darkness and see so much more than I see in the daylight. The daylight is misleading and will only lie to you. Once the shades are closed, that is when the truth is revealed.

I miss my innocence.

The truth is in the eye of the beholder but why must it always be true. Let’s just take a moment to believe a lie. The world will get better. My family will always enjoy great health. I will find a love that will test the sands of time. I will conquer my fears and become a better man for it and live to see my dreams for the world come to fruition.

We always need something more. What is enough? Once you start to ask the Why’s, the how’s and the many questions of existence, that is when you wake up to the hidden truth.

We make out own truth.

Social Outcast

I find it difficult to function in social situations. I feel either overwhelmed or ignored. It's hard to have conversations with strangers who really don't care about your answers. I find that strangers only really listen if they need something or want to have sex with you, or a combination of both. At 21, my social skills were great. I could fake my way through a conversation about Tom, Dick or Jane all the while smiling with interest at the story, even though I had no idea who these people were or why they were part of the story.

At 27, it's a different story. I find that if people are not talking to me, I don't make an effort. Lets be honest, it's rare to meet someone new in San Francisco who can talk about anything other than drugs, sex or their looks. It's always refreshing to meet people who enjoy talking about things of broad topic but it seems so rare that I might as well look for a unicorn. This is not limited to San Francisco as I encounter the same thing in Los Angeles and anywhere I travel. A way of the world? Perhaps.

I think the only thing more frustrating than starting a conversation with someone I don't know is when people don't make formal introductions. I'm old school and if you meet a friend of mine, I try to give something of common interest. It's the polite thing to do when these two people have no real mutual interest other than you. I'm sure that some people think I am a complete a-hole on the first meeting and they might be correct. I'm usually just quiet until I have something I can talk about or someone starts a conversation of which I have a background. This happens all the time to me at work or out in a bar. If I had a dollar for every friend who got mad because I was not jumping into a conversation but never really introduced me, I might be able to buy some nice pants. I could just be a social outcast, it's very likely.

The holidays bring out the best and the worst in people. Why can't people be nice all year long? Why must the positive energy only exist for one day. Let's begin buying presents for loved ones all year long and try to do one positive thing for someone a day. In a city like San Francisco, you see so much that it feels as though I am the luckiest man alive as I don't deal with things nearly as hard as so many but I still look to what I need and realize that it's not material in nature. During the holidays, I seem to meet so many new people and feel overwhelmed with the pressure of it all. Can't I just be quiet? Must we constantly talk to make others feel comfortable? Why can't we just enjoy the silence?

Ramblings

Can you hear my breath pass my lips? Do you hear what I whisper? My fear is leaving now and my heart is pounding below my flesh.



Those questions only answer more riddles so let's move past them. No more fear of love. I can't fear love.




Future so far, so close I feel the heat. I'm dancing to eternity with no doubt at all, only a flicker of light in the darkness. No thought as to how I will get there but I will get there on a rage.


The cages that once were sealed are open with a slight view of the world around. Comfort has come and replaced fear so no tears should be shed. No fear of love.




Closer than a penny to the floor and harder to pick up, you have those signals that I can't describe but I won't fear. Gone alone on a path for so long that you feel it's deserved, but the voodoo doll told me differently.




Heaven and Hell exist and can all be found right here on this green spot. Have you seen both because I have and I speak of them kindly? Flesh melts, grass burns, but does the spirit last forever?

The Day the Earth Stood Still

Headed out to see the Day the Earth Stood Still last night with some friends. I had never seen the original movie so I had pretty low expectations. My friends warned me that the movie was getting bad reviews but I decided to just see for myself as I wanted to see this for awhile.
The movie stars Keanu Reeves and I usually like most of his movies. He is not the best actor but he picks movies well that fit his bravado. The basic premise of the movie is simple. An alien named Klatu comes to earth to decide if we should survive or not because he wants to protect Earth. The movie works well as a popcorn movie. The pace is fast and the acting was adequate. The movie features a young kid played by Will Smith's son Jade who irritated me the entire movie. I guess its hard to have a kid in a movie like that and not have the kidd annoying.
Overall, I enjoyed the movie. The ending was a little abrupt (think war of the worlds remake) but I still enjoyed it alot. It's not something that has to be seen in IMAX as the visuals were nothing too spectacular so a viewing in a regular setting would be good as well.

Emo Gas Tank

Everyone has an emotional gas tank inside them. Inside most of us, our tanks are filled with anger, sadness, fear, or negative emotions. These emotions can build up over time. It's easy for these negative views to interfere with the good vibes in our tanks.

Anger is so easy to spot yet so unpredictable. Anger is like a bad pipe. It can start out like a small leak but build up and accumulate until it explodes all over the floor. It's usually exploding on someone who wasn't aware there was a problem or knew there was some piping issues and ignored it. Either way, you are soaked in your own water.



Patterns begin when we are toddlers. We learn how to eat, to read, and how to pick up bad habits. Once burned, it's easy to become those people that you think are so sad and so bitter. You see them all the time, on the bus or on the freeways of America. Anger is a pattern that just grows over time and can become so vicious that you can't even realize the source of your anger, an emotional time bomb.



There is a solution to this problem. It's so simple yet so hard to remember in the bad times, forgiveness. We should not regret what we said, but regret what we didn't say when we had the chance. Mistakes are a part of life and you can't cut everyone out who makes mistakes.



I think forgiveness is a learned technique. I can't recall how many times I have said that I would never forgive someone for breaking my heart or not saying the words I needed to hear. It's a learned process, forgiving, and its quite hard to do.



I like to think that I have to take my emotional gas tank and just dump all the junk out, let it go. Try and fill it with the good stuff that I need like patience and joy. As I get older, it's becoming more important. There is just not enough time in this life to hold on to anger and sadness.



There is no easy process to get rid of anger. Everything goes away. It's a constant in life. It's impossible to trust the material stuff as it all fades away and we are left with the memories. I guess you have to unstuck yourself from those feelings, those memories. It's impossible to expect people to be perfect as it's just unattainable.



When I get angry, I get sore. I literally feel it in my body. It's not good for your head or your body. I have read studies that indicate that anger can have really strong effects on your body and I think it's true. When I was reading all these stories on Proposition 8 and I could see all the anger and hatred, it made me angry. I was playing right into the gimmick. They had me where they wanted, I was pissed. I was in the Castro on Friday night when the Yes on 8 people flanked the streets and tried to convince people of their way and I just felt angry. I thought the No people took it too far as they are entitled to free speech but I couldn't help but be angry with the lack of consideration of love they were showing for their fellow man. It was disturbing and just made me mad.


I had to let it go. I had to remind myself that I cannot change the world around me until I change my viewpoint on things. I have to address these issues internally and learn to address these things with people in a way where it's not coming from anger, but from education.


It's hard to let it go. I have had several friends today telling me stories of betrayal and anger and I too feel it today. I'm just learning to deal with things differently to get different results. I don't have to approve of the actions that cause my anger but my forgiveness works for me, it's my strength. It's the one thing that allows me to be free. It makes me feel like I am in control of how I feel, not others. I am only hurting myself by being angry and that's just, well, fucked up.



This probably seems like a really long entry about forgiveness but I don't think it's really that long considering how much time I have to spend forgiving. I have to forgive coworkers, friends, family, myself and sometimes God for not understanding why things happen. At the end of the day, I am making a deal with myself. 1) Not to take things too personally. 2) Quit blaming others and dwelling on it. I have decided that these are two actions that I can control and so I won't play into it. I know what's right and wrong and I know what I feel. Fuck anyone who tries to tell me how I feel. That's my job. I'm just going to enjoy life and not worry about the small stuff, join me or get off my road.

Forgive my truth

All I want is for you to love me. It's so easy and so hard.


I see your eyes wander and it makes me feel gloomy, when all I want is for you to see me. That's all I need. The human condition of lust is potent but I see that its just skin. Nine months is 8 months and a week longer than any other relationship, its scary and real.


I need to feel I am the one and only, the kind of man that you adore only. That's all I need.


Your friends always surround you. I see you dated one or two. Am I the one for you? Their jealousy seeps out into my skin and I feel it crawling so I then crawl in bed with you.


I need to feel that I am special, that you love me like no one else. I don't want to see you look at other guys. That's all I need. I'm your man.


Don't break my heart you see, I would bleed and bleed. Please just love me and ignore me being needy.


This is my first time on the field and I feel like a spinning wheel. Give me all your love. I know it's selfish, I need a lot. It's not easy to pinpoint the spot when I fell for you. I just want my love story. I want to know that you are the one for me and we will be happy and live so free. Life is not easy and neither is love but I feel it could be easier with you.


I know I sound crazy and my eyes are hazy from not sleeping after we fought. I just didn't want to think that I was not good enough to make you so happy. I can't live with the thought that you might not want me. It's hurting to put myself out there for you but I know its what I need to do. This is something you will never hear me say so I write it here in hopes that I will say it soon.